Gender, Gender Identity, and Sexual Orientation

Working as a nanny for dozens of families over the years, I have been asked a lot of interesting questions which I have tried to answer to the best of my abilities and understanding.  A mother once asked me if I thought her four year old boy was gay.  "What makes you think that?", I responded.  She said, "Well, all his brothers love to play football, but all he wants to do is dance and play with dolls".  I inquired further, "Sounds like he may be different from his brothers, but what's the problem?"  She explained that her husband was having a hard time relating to this child because he had interests that he considered "girly" and was very worried that he might be gay.  "Why are you worried?', I asked.  She said her husband would be devastated.  Then I asked, "But, how is your child going to feel about himself?  Would you rather him be a sad and terrible football player or a world famous, well-accomplished dancer like Mikhale Baryshnikov?"  This made her think.  I explained that his interest in different activities or toys did not define his sexual orientation, but that his parents acceptance or lack of acceptance would most surely influence his self-esteem positively or negatively.  Which would she prefer, a child who's spirit had been uplifted or squashed?  And what was really more important to them as parents--that they raise a happy child or a heterosexual?  My advice was feed his interests and support his individual path; let him make the decisions on what he wants to do, who he wants to be and who he wants to marry.  A parents job is simply to love and support their children, not define them.

I never spoke with the father on the subject, but I hope my words gave her some perspective and gave rise to more conversation with her husband.  Sadly, however, I don't feel this family's concerns are an isolated case.   This is just one example of many which has fueled my interest in anti-bias education and parental support.  "Supporting all children to develop their fullest range of abilities and skills is one of the key principles of the early childhood education field.  Learning environments and activities that are gender-equitable put this principle into practice.  However, when children absorb messages that limit their exploration and play, neither boys nor girls are able to prepare fully for the intellectual and emotional realities and demands of life (Klein et al 2007)" (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, 2010, p. 91).

Through teaching strategies in anti-bias education, I hope to work sensitively with families and support young children's curiosities, interests and confusion by being proactive, presenting opportunities to try out their ideas as well as new ideas and offering accurate information in response to their questions.  Free play in early childhood should be just that--free time to explore and experiment with many different ways of being in the world free of judgement.

Reference:
Derman-Sparks, L., & Edwards, J. O., (2010), Anti-Bias Education for Young Children and Ourselves, NAEYC, Washington, DC

Build It Up and Tear It Down--Team Building

Gina Abudi (2010), an expert at team building, project management and leadership development, has carefully lined out five stages of team development that all teams must go through including forming, storming, norming, performing and adjourning.  Keep in mind that a team can consist of just two people and therefore may include many different dynamics and situations in our lives including adult-child relationships, family relationships, school, work, or organizational relationships, which all involve teams.  I have a clear understanding of the importance of forming, storming and norming which includes the initial formation of the team, an outpouring of ideas as roles and procedures are being determined, and coming together to realize the benefit of working cooperatively and what can be expected of each team member.  The performing stage also seems pretty clear, when it all comes together.  However, the adjourning stage was an aspect of quality team building that I had never considered before.

When I think back to recent teams I have been a part of including working with families in classroom and home environments, co-workers in different jobs I've had, or groups of students achieving an academic goal together, each one has included an adjourning stage although I had not recognized it as that until now.  At the end of the school year, we often throw parties or attend graduation ceremonies, but why are these rituals important?  "This stage looks at the team from the perspective of the well-being of the team rather than from the perspective of managing a team through the original four stages of team growth"(Abudi, 2010). Often, working productively and diligently toward a common goal creates special bonds with others that must be honored.  Sometimes, it's not enough to celebrate the achievement of a goal or end of a project, we must recognize and celebrate each member's contribution to the task and the team.

For example, there is always sadness in my heart when I move on from a nanny job because I have formed such intimate partnerships with the child and parents; I not only feel a part of the team, but a part of the family.  We always set up some kind of transitions to help the child understand the situation and deal with the transition, but it is as helpful to me and the parents as well to have an opportunity to applaud our commitments to each other through good times and bad.  Once, after being told that a family did not have the financial means to keep me employed, I recall feeling incredibly sad not about losing my job, but feeling like I had lost my place on the team.  The mother responded as I apologized for my tears, "I would be more upset if you weren't crying because it shows me how you value our relationship."  It was true, and we needed a ceremony to honor that commitment and feel good about moving on to both our next challenges in the world.

Adjourning is an essential stage of teamwork because it allows for honor, closure and growth. It also allows for people to take a moment to feel the depth of their connections, the power of their unity, and make plans about how they may choose to stay connected in the future.  As a nanny, I always find it interesting and wonderfully satisfying when a family calls me up months after my job has ended to let me know how much they miss me or how much smoother the house seemed to run when I was there.  This let's me know beyond a doubt how much they valued me as team member, and makes me feel pride in my teamwork and true connections with people.  

Though we may adjourn and go our separate ways, we remain connected through our experience and memories together, which provides each party with confidence and value moving forward.  I can only hope that my colleagues in this Master's program will agree, and we can all gain as much value, support, confidence and connectedness when moving beyond this program as we have found in it.  

Reference:

Abudi, G. (2010). The five stages of team development: A case study. Retrieved from http://www.projectsmart.co.uk/the-five-stages-of-team-development-a-case-study.html

Conflict Resolution

Currently, I am having a conflict with my boss at work.  Since he is the owner of the establishment, there is no one else to talk to about the issue or to help us manage the conflict.  During a disagreement this week, I was proud of myself for not letting my emotions get the best of me and remaining calm and capable of sharing my feelings.  I practiced several Non Violent Communication strategies including active listening, paraphrasing back to check for clarity, and searching for other possible compromises.  However, my boss was unbending.  He was trying to apologize to me, but could not stay on topic, talked for 20 minutes without asking me one question, and could not make eye contact during the whole conversation.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated.  And, although I feel like I have tried many strategies to assist in productive communication, it is not happening.  While I cannot escape this situation (unless I quit), I can learn to manage it for myself even if I cannot come to some resolution with my boss.  "It is important to note that productive conflict does not necessarily mean a successful resolution of conflict.  Results of a recent study on dating couples revealed that most conflicts do not result in resolution, and that a couples' satisfaction is determined more by the strategies used to manage conflict than the outcome of the argument (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 221).

While I feel very fortunate NOT to be dating my boss, I have realized that I have other solutions to the problem beyond resolution.  One strategy I am implementing is to not take anything he has to say about me personally.  Another strategy I'm using is conflict avoidance by accepting his ideas about his business even if I disagree.  By refusing to enter into a power struggle or a conversation that is unproductive, I am managing my conflict with my boss.  And, although we have not been able to resolve our conflict, I am a much happier person not allowing the conflict to dictate my emotions, goals or ability to work effectively.  "To believe that conflict can be productive rather than destructive, you have to actively engage in it" (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 221).  While I feel I gave my best attempt at productive resolution, further attempts I feel will only be more destructive to my work environment.  I guess it is as they say even with all our NVC strategies and positive communication skills; sometimes, we have to just agree to disagree, right?

Reference:
O'Hair D., & Wiemann, M., (2012).  Real communication:  An introduction.  Bedford/St. Martin's.
     New York.

Are We the Communicators We Think We Are?

This week in my Master's program, I was required to evaluate myself as a communicator and to listen to other's evaluations of my as a communicator.  To do this, we were asked to rate ourselves through "Communication Anxiety Inventory", "Verbal Aggressiveness Scale", and "Listening Styles Profile-16".  After completing the assessments and reviewing other's assessments of my communication skills, a couple of interesting points really surfaced for me.  Although I felt my results truly reflected my own self-concept about my communication style, I was surprised to find other's viewed my communication styles better than I viewed them myself.  Several of the questions also supplied me with ideas about communication that I feel are very useful during conflict.

In terms of the "Communication Anxiety Inventory", my co-workers scored me as being much more confident in my communication than I judged myself.  I found this both interesting and refreshing that I am able to contain my anxiety in ways that don't seem to affect my communication with them even if I am feeling nervous.  In truth, I suppose that when I do feel uncomfortable or as if the conversation is going in circles, I do speak up about these facts and relay them in the conversation through simple statements without judgement.  In my mind, honesty is the best policy, especially when communication is going awry.  I find this information extremely helpful as I set my professional goals toward more public speaking through workshops, professional development, and blogging about issues concerning teachers and parents involved with young children.  It is affirmation that I am on a career path that I can use to influence thoughts and ideas about best practices in the early childhood field and that I can have confidence in my self-presentation, self-concept and effective communication skills.  Feeling like I can make a difference in the lives of young children, their families and their teachers boost my self-esteem and gives me motivation to continue in this line of work which is new for me.  

I also found it interesting that my co-workers judged my verbal aggressiveness as much lower than my own thoughts about the subject.  However, feel I was judging myself more in a personal sense coming out of extreme conflict in my romantic relationship.  I think it's important for me to realize that I am capable of wearing a more professional hat in work related situations and adjust my communication styles accordingly.

I found my listening skills to be right on target with my own interpretation of myself as being people-oriented.  While I am empathetic and concerned with the feelings of others, my fault in this skill is that I often overly effected my other's emotions and take them on for myself.  If someone I'm speaking with starts to cry, I am most likely going to shed a tear with them.  While other's consider this a valuable communication skill, I am often though of as a therapist, without the qualifications, proper dynamic, or pay scale.  I am learning to temper this skill and seek balance that shows concern without letting other's emotions effect me personally and bring me down.

One question from the inventory really stuck out to me as a learning opportunity.  "I am extremely careful to avoid attacking individuals' intelligence when I attack their ideas" (Rubin, Palmgreen & Sypher, 2009).  I wish I had had this statement to pull out of my hat a week ago when I got into a conflict with my boss.  It's important when trying to reach common ground that we focus on challenging another's behavior verses their character. Using this strategy allows room to find compromise without insult, negative judgments that inhibit communication or navigating defensive reactions that are unproductive to positive outcomes.  I found this reminder extremely helpful.

If you would like to test your own communication styles, I highly recommend taking these inventories for yourself.  The more we learn about who we are and how we represent ourselves in the world, the further we get toward actual progress and successful results.  I invite you to take a moment and learn more about who you actually are as a communicator and self-reflect on ways to improve ourselves as well as model more competent communication strategies to others in both our personal and professional lives.

Reference:

Rubin, R. B., Palmgreen, P., & Sypher, H.E. (Eds) (2009).  Communication research measures: A sourcebook. 

     New York:  Routledge.

          "Communication Anxiety Inventory"

          "Verbal Aggressiveness Scale"

          " Listening Styles Profile--16"

Copyright 2009 Taylor & Francis Group LLC Books. Used with permission from Taylor & Francis via the Copyright Clearance Center.

"Living in a City of Immigrants"--Cross-Cultural Communication Strategies

Steve Earle, an American singer-songwriter, wrote the lyric, "Living in a city of immigrants, I don't need to go traveling--open the door and the world walks in, living in a city of immigrants"  He wrote the song about New York City, but I have to believe that it applies to every city, town and rural community in America today.   According to the Diversity Almanac listed in the article, Interpersonal Communication and Diversity:  Adapting to Others, two-thirds of the immigrants on this planet come to the United States" (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011, p. 87).  In addition, "According to U.S. Bureau of the Census population projections, by the year 2025 nearly half of all young adults in this country will come from minority groups" (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p. 87).  What are the implications of these trends?  For me, it means that I want to place more emphasis on learning, engaging, honing and modeling cross-cultural communication strategies in both my personal and professional life in the early childhood field.

Subconsciously, I often adjust my communication style to fit the audience I'm addressing.  For example, I have close friendships with three women (a grandmother, mother and daughter) in my life who are vastly different even though they come from the same family.  For example, if I'm talking to Nana who is 86, I automatically begin to speak slower, increase my volume, and refrain from using a lot of slang.  However, communication with her 26 yr. old granddaughter is vastly different and is more of a banter including quick responses, pop cultural references and an acceptance of the use of profanity.  Essentially, although these two women come from the same family, they also come from different cultures, and I have learned to adjust my communication style with each one accordingly.
However, the issue in not how well we automatically relate to others within our own family/friend group, but how well we relate to those outside our comfort zones and achieve effective communication.  This requires more conscious thought and a willingness to employ cross-cultural communication strategies.

     "Competent communicators want to learn and improve.  They are motivated to enhance their
      ability to relate to others and to accept others as they are.  A key to accepting others is to
      develop a positive attitude of tolerance and acceptance of those who are different from you.
      We suggest three strategies to help improve your acceptance and appreciation of others who
      differ from you:  Tolerate ambiguity, become mindful, and avoid negative judgements of others"
      (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p. 107).

I have traveled extensively in foreign countries where I did not speak the language or fully understand the culture.  My family and friends were often confused by how I would be able to relate and communicate with others.  However, I was motivated to be open-minded, learn about other cultures, mindful that my own perspective might not apply, willing to be uncomfortable, and accept that things would be different than what I was used.  This is an easy attitude to adopt when you willingly travel to foreign countries with a sense of adventure in your heart.  Yet, the point I want to make is that we must learn to adopt this 'traveler's spirit' within our own neighborhoods and communities.  It is one thing to go to another country and do as they do, but a different mindset to accept the vast differences of others in your own country.  As preschool teachers and early childhood professionals in a rapidly changing demographic across U.S. , we must take more active steps toward successful and effective cross-cultural communication strategies.  For, when we open the door to our classroom, it's likely the world will walk in, and we should be whole-heartedly ready to welcome it.

Reference:
Beebe, S.A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V.  (2011).  Interpersonal communication:  Relating to 
     others (6th ed.).  Boston, MA:  Allyn & Bacon.

Show Verses Tell--Understanding Nonverbal Communications in Context

     Have you ever tried to watch television in a foreign country without subtitles?  Have you ever observed two people in a conversation across a room and made assumptions about their relationship based on their body language?  Understanding nonverbal communication can be tricky; translating body language and facial expressions is often ambiguous.  While learning to use, gauge and factor nonverbal messages are necessary aspects of competent communication, one must also consider the situational and cultural contexts of nonverbal cues to fully understand what is actually being communicated.

    As an exercise in my Master's Communication course, we were asked to watch a television show without volume and make assumptions about the characters and plot.  Then, we were asked to re-watch with the volume on to check our accuracy in reading nonverbal communication.  I chose a popular series my friends have been talking about called, "Louie", based on the life of a New York comedian, Louie C. K. 

     In this episode, I watched as a man and a woman were shopping together in a pharmacy.  She was looking at hair brushes and making motions used to fix her hair.  The man looked confused and uninterested by the way he half-nodded and showed no sign of engaging facial expressions.  Based purely on body language, it was hard to tell if the man and woman were siblings, neighbors or colleagues.  While they stood close to each other, it did not seem to be a sign of intimacy.  Suddenly, the woman began a series of body gestures to imitate taking off her clothes, showering and toweling off in the middle of the store.  The man looked embarrassed and uncomfortable.   I wondered if he thought the woman was a little crazy, or if he was uncertain whether a display of body language was meant to attract him or sexualize their encounter.

    Upon second viewing with volume, I realized that the man and woman had recently met in their building, and although he was attracted to her, they did not share the same language, which leads to some confusion and uncertainty in their interactions and body language.  Her attempt at using her body and gestures by mimicking a shower scene was not meant as an overt sexual gesture or silly attempt for attention; it was used to convey a message that she was looking for a hair dryer without knowing the English word.  She could not tell him her need, so she did her best to show her need through body gestures.  When he finally interprets the message correctly and hands her a hair dryer from another shelf, they both smile, laugh, and high-five to show mutual understanding, satisfaction, and success in their nonverbal communication strategies.

     This scenario illustrates how we often make assumptions about others based on nonverbal communication as well as it's importance and necessity in different situations.  "Situational context determines the rules of behavior and the roles people must play under different conditions.  Competent communicators will always consider the appropriateness and effectiveness of nonverbal communication in a given context" (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 151).  

      A wonderful example of the importance of understanding situational context in the preschool world would be a teacher reacting to a group of boys across the yard who are exhibiting aggressive behavior and facial gestures.  Taken out of context, this could be a dangerous situation that requires immediate intervention. However, when you take an extra moment to discover that they are all in agreement about a game together and they are only acting the parts, then we are allowing them creative exploration of nonverbal communication in a safe environment.  So, next time you observe others 'acting' crazy or think you can read a situation from across the room (or playground, as it may be), consider the situational context before reacting to the show.  Ask for clarification and rely on multiple forms of communication to tell the whole story. 

Reference:

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M., (2012).  Real communication:  An introduction.  Bedford/ St. Martin's

Model Communicator

When asked to think of a model communicator within a certain context, the first example that comes to mind is my father.  However, it's not always what my father says, but the way he says it that makes him such an effective communicator.  His style of communication has earned him the nickname, "Old Indian", in our family and accurately demonstrates some aspects of his demeanor.  His nature is quiet yet strong; his attitude is reverent and positive.  He holds himself with confidence without arrogance and always seems to remain calm and collected enough to respond to others verses reacting to them.

Growing up, there was never a time when I can remember my father raising his voice or yelling. When discipline was necessary, he took his time to respond to the situation, and never reacted in anger.  Many times, my mistaken behavior happened during the day while he was at work and was relayed to him by my mother.  Thinking back, I truly appreciate his approach to the situation by taking the time to ask me questions in a calm tone about the situation, and not just taking my mother's word/side of things.  He engaged me in a communication exchange and explained things to me in a language that I could understand.  If punishment was still required, it was always given at a later moment and although I didn't like it, I never feared it, which really allowed the words of guidance to sink in.

He also employs a wonderful communication strategy of calling out the obvious in a jovial, non-threatening way, keeping the focus, and allowing others time to answer their own questions.  His way of explaining things often involves allowing others the room to make mistakes and then talking through solutions.  I remember as a young child climbing too high in a tree in the backyard.  When I called out to him for help, his response was with a half laugh, "What are you doing climbing so high if you're scared to come down? How did you get up there?  Just calm down, you're OK, and think about retracing your steps down the same way you went up."  Had he yelled at me to get down, it would not have helped me solve my problem.  If he had reacted and climbed up to save me, I would have never learned to find the confidence to get myself out of this and other sticky situations.

I hope to model and possess this same type of communication style with young children.  With effective communication through my body language, demeanor, tone and volume of voice, I can properly respond to learning opportunities and teaching moments in a way that can allow young children to receive the message as responsive, kind, and supportive as well as to learn lessons that will carry them far beyond my classroom.  In any situation with young children, parents, co-workers, friends and strangers, I try to remember the example my father modeled.  By learning to take a step back, asking questions, listening to responses and controlling my own emotions and/or reactions, I am more likely to achieve effective communication in all areas of my life, and, hopefully, model it for others.