Detours from the "Norm"--Expressions in Diversity

     We all take different roads in life; we all have a different journey.  However, accepting unconventional lifestyles in ourselves and others often involves challenging self-esteem issues. Putting our uniqueness "out there" in the world, living it openly, owning it proudly also involves being vulnerable to the ridicule and bullying of others.  This is why so many of us hide our true selves.  If we are going to champion a revolution in our society as parents, teachers, and mentors to young children and teach them to express and applaud individuality in themselves and others, then we must set the example by learning to express ourselves.

     Art is a vehicle for expression.  It allows us to safely experience different perspectives, experiment with our emotions and find our true selves.  A six-year-old boy named Bhima recently reminded me of the power of art and its true healing nature.  He was angry about losing a toy, so mad he wanted to "break the world".  When his mother suggested that he draw a picture about it, he created a scene in which he broke all of his toys and tipped over his dog, Poncho's water bowl. Afterward, (and without prompt) he drew a second picture of him putting all of his toys back together and replacing Poncho's water.  I found this to be such wonderful example of channelling reactivity and expressing oneself through art as an appropriate outlet (Child, be my guide!).  Art allows us infinite opportunities to work through our emotions without injury to ourselves, others, or the "world" we live in.  And, it is a readily available option regardless of age, gender, socio-economic class, sexual orientation, culture/ethnicity, language or disability.
     Art can help us get to where we want to go; it can help us be who we want to be in our lives and society.  It can also help us relate to each other.  However, we cannot teach another to use art to express themselves until we learn how to use it ourselves. Therefore, the following is my own practice--an exercise in an expression of diversity in different ways.  I invite all of you to join me in the experience.

DIVERSITY

Delving                                         Discovering                                    Diving

Into                                               Interesting                                      Into

Various                                        Varied                                            Variety

Expressions                                 Expressions                                   Ever

Relating                                       Regarding                                       Respectfully

Social                                           Social                                              Supporting

Interests for                                  Involvement                                    Infants

Today's                                        Together with                                 Toddlers and

Youth                                           Youth                                              Yourself

Drawing                                       Determined                                     Develop

Into                                               In-                                                   Interest in

Various                                        Volvement                                       Various

Everyday                                      Everyday                                         Existence and

Routines                                       Regarding                                       Realities

Something                                    Social                                               Supporting

Interesting                                    Interests                                           Individuality in

To teach                                       To expand                                        Today's

Young people about others          Your world                                      Youth and yourself

Delight                                          Double your                                    Deem

In the                                             Internal                                           Integrating

Variety of                                      Vibrations by                                   Voices

Every soul                                     Expanding  your                              Everywhere as 

Regardless if                                 Reality to                                         Real

Someone                                       Simply                                             Signals of

Is different                                     Include                                             International

Than                                              Talking to                                        Togetherness

You                                                Your neighbor                                 Your goal

Paving Roads from Pre-Prejudice to Anti-Bias Education

     Many times when asked what I'm studying in grad school, I have responded with the formal title--Teaching and Diversity as well as Anti-Bias Education in Early Childhood.  "Oh." is usually the response I get.  It seems to go right over people's heads.  However, when I give examples of the everyday experiences I want to learn and teach about, I find people are much more interested.  I often pose this scenario.  You are in the grocery store with your four yr. old who says, "Look!  There's a fat lady."  How do you respond?
     I've received many answers including:
          A.  Shush them and tell them that's not nice.
          B.  Smile at the lady and apologize for the child.
          C.  Explain that's what happens when we don't make healthy eating choices.
I always take the opportunity to point out, "Or... you could say, yes, and there's also a tall woman, a skinny man and a girl with freckles; aren't we all wonderfully different?"  End of story.  This they understand and usually starts an enlightening conversation about personal experiences with pre-prejudice/prejudice, social justice, and the importance of quality early childhood education to address these issues.  Now we're getting somewhere.
     These conversations quickly allow a chance to explain that children are trying to make sense of their reality by exploring and naming similarities and differences they see in their world.  Answer A shames the child, teaches them they did something wrong and to take the behaviors underground for fear of embarrassment or punishment.  Answer B denies part of their reality and a real world extension of what they are learning to observe in the world at this age.  Answer C makes ignorant judgements about a person's physical characteristics that places them in the "other" category promoting intolerance.  All three are unconscious answers, which are missed "teaching opportunities" and can lead to pre-prejudice attitudes.  Children are not born prejudice; that road is paved by adults one way or the other.
     In fact, a friend explained today how sad her six yr, old was because his two dinosaurs were best friends and loved each other, but couldn't get married because they were boys.  This is a perfect example of a "teachable moment".  His mother, first and foremost, asked questions.  This is important to help the adult understand the child's thinking and help them correct through critical thinking skills.  Then she explained that she understood that was what he sees on TV and in some of his books, but that it was not always true.  Sometimes boys love boys, girls love girls, and boys and girls love each other.  Anyone who wants get married can get married.  Her child's response, "Oh, great!"  Doesn't that say it all?
     The point is that anti-bias education is not a lecture or a scary long talk.  It's an on-going conversation with children best done in the moment.  Eric Hoffman explains,"The good thing about young children is that if you give them real experiences, you don't tell them they're wrong.  That doesn't work.  You give them new experiences that contradict what they believe, and they'll change their minds." As well, as Nancy Spangler puts it, "And it's awe inspiring to think about how you watch children...gain these skills to be able to express their emotions, negotiate, come to some sort of solution, be able to see another person's perspective, be empathetic.  And then you look out to the wider world and you think, why?  If a four-year-old can do that, what's preventing the larger society, even globally from acting of those same kind of skills?"
     This is why I work with young children.  We have the power to impact society in tremendous ways through them, and our responsibility as teachers, parents, and community members is to do so consciously, respectfully, and thoughtfully.  For my colleagues in this program, as well as anyone else interested in introducing strategies for anti-bias education with children, I found copies of "Start Seeing Diversity:  A Basic Guide to an Anti-Bias Classroom", the multimedia presentations we studied this week online.  If you would like to purchase a DVD for use in your home, school or program go to http://www.redleafpress.org/Start-Seeing-Diversity-P85.aspx.  I, personally, found the videos so impactful and informative that I will be ordering for use as a wonderful teaching tool in professional development scenarios, parent education courses and ECE workshops.  Together, we can pave the way to a more equitable, just and peaceful world.


Reference:
Eric Hoffman & Nancy Spangler, "The Positive Ways ECE Settings Can Respond to Bias", Walden University Multimedia Presentation.


   

Gender, Gender Identity, and Sexual Orientation

Working as a nanny for dozens of families over the years, I have been asked a lot of interesting questions which I have tried to answer to the best of my abilities and understanding.  A mother once asked me if I thought her four year old boy was gay.  "What makes you think that?", I responded.  She said, "Well, all his brothers love to play football, but all he wants to do is dance and play with dolls".  I inquired further, "Sounds like he may be different from his brothers, but what's the problem?"  She explained that her husband was having a hard time relating to this child because he had interests that he considered "girly" and was very worried that he might be gay.  "Why are you worried?', I asked.  She said her husband would be devastated.  Then I asked, "But, how is your child going to feel about himself?  Would you rather him be a sad and terrible football player or a world famous, well-accomplished dancer like Mikhale Baryshnikov?"  This made her think.  I explained that his interest in different activities or toys did not define his sexual orientation, but that his parents acceptance or lack of acceptance would most surely influence his self-esteem positively or negatively.  Which would she prefer, a child who's spirit had been uplifted or squashed?  And what was really more important to them as parents--that they raise a happy child or a heterosexual?  My advice was feed his interests and support his individual path; let him make the decisions on what he wants to do, who he wants to be and who he wants to marry.  A parents job is simply to love and support their children, not define them.

I never spoke with the father on the subject, but I hope my words gave her some perspective and gave rise to more conversation with her husband.  Sadly, however, I don't feel this family's concerns are an isolated case.   This is just one example of many which has fueled my interest in anti-bias education and parental support.  "Supporting all children to develop their fullest range of abilities and skills is one of the key principles of the early childhood education field.  Learning environments and activities that are gender-equitable put this principle into practice.  However, when children absorb messages that limit their exploration and play, neither boys nor girls are able to prepare fully for the intellectual and emotional realities and demands of life (Klein et al 2007)" (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, 2010, p. 91).

Through teaching strategies in anti-bias education, I hope to work sensitively with families and support young children's curiosities, interests and confusion by being proactive, presenting opportunities to try out their ideas as well as new ideas and offering accurate information in response to their questions.  Free play in early childhood should be just that--free time to explore and experiment with many different ways of being in the world free of judgement.

Reference:
Derman-Sparks, L., & Edwards, J. O., (2010), Anti-Bias Education for Young Children and Ourselves, NAEYC, Washington, DC

Build It Up and Tear It Down--Team Building

Gina Abudi (2010), an expert at team building, project management and leadership development, has carefully lined out five stages of team development that all teams must go through including forming, storming, norming, performing and adjourning.  Keep in mind that a team can consist of just two people and therefore may include many different dynamics and situations in our lives including adult-child relationships, family relationships, school, work, or organizational relationships, which all involve teams.  I have a clear understanding of the importance of forming, storming and norming which includes the initial formation of the team, an outpouring of ideas as roles and procedures are being determined, and coming together to realize the benefit of working cooperatively and what can be expected of each team member.  The performing stage also seems pretty clear, when it all comes together.  However, the adjourning stage was an aspect of quality team building that I had never considered before.

When I think back to recent teams I have been a part of including working with families in classroom and home environments, co-workers in different jobs I've had, or groups of students achieving an academic goal together, each one has included an adjourning stage although I had not recognized it as that until now.  At the end of the school year, we often throw parties or attend graduation ceremonies, but why are these rituals important?  "This stage looks at the team from the perspective of the well-being of the team rather than from the perspective of managing a team through the original four stages of team growth"(Abudi, 2010). Often, working productively and diligently toward a common goal creates special bonds with others that must be honored.  Sometimes, it's not enough to celebrate the achievement of a goal or end of a project, we must recognize and celebrate each member's contribution to the task and the team.

For example, there is always sadness in my heart when I move on from a nanny job because I have formed such intimate partnerships with the child and parents; I not only feel a part of the team, but a part of the family.  We always set up some kind of transitions to help the child understand the situation and deal with the transition, but it is as helpful to me and the parents as well to have an opportunity to applaud our commitments to each other through good times and bad.  Once, after being told that a family did not have the financial means to keep me employed, I recall feeling incredibly sad not about losing my job, but feeling like I had lost my place on the team.  The mother responded as I apologized for my tears, "I would be more upset if you weren't crying because it shows me how you value our relationship."  It was true, and we needed a ceremony to honor that commitment and feel good about moving on to both our next challenges in the world.

Adjourning is an essential stage of teamwork because it allows for honor, closure and growth. It also allows for people to take a moment to feel the depth of their connections, the power of their unity, and make plans about how they may choose to stay connected in the future.  As a nanny, I always find it interesting and wonderfully satisfying when a family calls me up months after my job has ended to let me know how much they miss me or how much smoother the house seemed to run when I was there.  This let's me know beyond a doubt how much they valued me as team member, and makes me feel pride in my teamwork and true connections with people.  

Though we may adjourn and go our separate ways, we remain connected through our experience and memories together, which provides each party with confidence and value moving forward.  I can only hope that my colleagues in this Master's program will agree, and we can all gain as much value, support, confidence and connectedness when moving beyond this program as we have found in it.  

Reference:

Abudi, G. (2010). The five stages of team development: A case study. Retrieved from http://www.projectsmart.co.uk/the-five-stages-of-team-development-a-case-study.html

Conflict Resolution

Currently, I am having a conflict with my boss at work.  Since he is the owner of the establishment, there is no one else to talk to about the issue or to help us manage the conflict.  During a disagreement this week, I was proud of myself for not letting my emotions get the best of me and remaining calm and capable of sharing my feelings.  I practiced several Non Violent Communication strategies including active listening, paraphrasing back to check for clarity, and searching for other possible compromises.  However, my boss was unbending.  He was trying to apologize to me, but could not stay on topic, talked for 20 minutes without asking me one question, and could not make eye contact during the whole conversation.

Needless to say, I'm frustrated.  And, although I feel like I have tried many strategies to assist in productive communication, it is not happening.  While I cannot escape this situation (unless I quit), I can learn to manage it for myself even if I cannot come to some resolution with my boss.  "It is important to note that productive conflict does not necessarily mean a successful resolution of conflict.  Results of a recent study on dating couples revealed that most conflicts do not result in resolution, and that a couples' satisfaction is determined more by the strategies used to manage conflict than the outcome of the argument (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 221).

While I feel very fortunate NOT to be dating my boss, I have realized that I have other solutions to the problem beyond resolution.  One strategy I am implementing is to not take anything he has to say about me personally.  Another strategy I'm using is conflict avoidance by accepting his ideas about his business even if I disagree.  By refusing to enter into a power struggle or a conversation that is unproductive, I am managing my conflict with my boss.  And, although we have not been able to resolve our conflict, I am a much happier person not allowing the conflict to dictate my emotions, goals or ability to work effectively.  "To believe that conflict can be productive rather than destructive, you have to actively engage in it" (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 221).  While I feel I gave my best attempt at productive resolution, further attempts I feel will only be more destructive to my work environment.  I guess it is as they say even with all our NVC strategies and positive communication skills; sometimes, we have to just agree to disagree, right?

Reference:
O'Hair D., & Wiemann, M., (2012).  Real communication:  An introduction.  Bedford/St. Martin's.
     New York.

Are We the Communicators We Think We Are?

This week in my Master's program, I was required to evaluate myself as a communicator and to listen to other's evaluations of my as a communicator.  To do this, we were asked to rate ourselves through "Communication Anxiety Inventory", "Verbal Aggressiveness Scale", and "Listening Styles Profile-16".  After completing the assessments and reviewing other's assessments of my communication skills, a couple of interesting points really surfaced for me.  Although I felt my results truly reflected my own self-concept about my communication style, I was surprised to find other's viewed my communication styles better than I viewed them myself.  Several of the questions also supplied me with ideas about communication that I feel are very useful during conflict.

In terms of the "Communication Anxiety Inventory", my co-workers scored me as being much more confident in my communication than I judged myself.  I found this both interesting and refreshing that I am able to contain my anxiety in ways that don't seem to affect my communication with them even if I am feeling nervous.  In truth, I suppose that when I do feel uncomfortable or as if the conversation is going in circles, I do speak up about these facts and relay them in the conversation through simple statements without judgement.  In my mind, honesty is the best policy, especially when communication is going awry.  I find this information extremely helpful as I set my professional goals toward more public speaking through workshops, professional development, and blogging about issues concerning teachers and parents involved with young children.  It is affirmation that I am on a career path that I can use to influence thoughts and ideas about best practices in the early childhood field and that I can have confidence in my self-presentation, self-concept and effective communication skills.  Feeling like I can make a difference in the lives of young children, their families and their teachers boost my self-esteem and gives me motivation to continue in this line of work which is new for me.  

I also found it interesting that my co-workers judged my verbal aggressiveness as much lower than my own thoughts about the subject.  However, feel I was judging myself more in a personal sense coming out of extreme conflict in my romantic relationship.  I think it's important for me to realize that I am capable of wearing a more professional hat in work related situations and adjust my communication styles accordingly.

I found my listening skills to be right on target with my own interpretation of myself as being people-oriented.  While I am empathetic and concerned with the feelings of others, my fault in this skill is that I often overly effected my other's emotions and take them on for myself.  If someone I'm speaking with starts to cry, I am most likely going to shed a tear with them.  While other's consider this a valuable communication skill, I am often though of as a therapist, without the qualifications, proper dynamic, or pay scale.  I am learning to temper this skill and seek balance that shows concern without letting other's emotions effect me personally and bring me down.

One question from the inventory really stuck out to me as a learning opportunity.  "I am extremely careful to avoid attacking individuals' intelligence when I attack their ideas" (Rubin, Palmgreen & Sypher, 2009).  I wish I had had this statement to pull out of my hat a week ago when I got into a conflict with my boss.  It's important when trying to reach common ground that we focus on challenging another's behavior verses their character. Using this strategy allows room to find compromise without insult, negative judgments that inhibit communication or navigating defensive reactions that are unproductive to positive outcomes.  I found this reminder extremely helpful.

If you would like to test your own communication styles, I highly recommend taking these inventories for yourself.  The more we learn about who we are and how we represent ourselves in the world, the further we get toward actual progress and successful results.  I invite you to take a moment and learn more about who you actually are as a communicator and self-reflect on ways to improve ourselves as well as model more competent communication strategies to others in both our personal and professional lives.

Reference:

Rubin, R. B., Palmgreen, P., & Sypher, H.E. (Eds) (2009).  Communication research measures: A sourcebook. 

     New York:  Routledge.

          "Communication Anxiety Inventory"

          "Verbal Aggressiveness Scale"

          " Listening Styles Profile--16"

Copyright 2009 Taylor & Francis Group LLC Books. Used with permission from Taylor & Francis via the Copyright Clearance Center.

"Living in a City of Immigrants"--Cross-Cultural Communication Strategies

Steve Earle, an American singer-songwriter, wrote the lyric, "Living in a city of immigrants, I don't need to go traveling--open the door and the world walks in, living in a city of immigrants"  He wrote the song about New York City, but I have to believe that it applies to every city, town and rural community in America today.   According to the Diversity Almanac listed in the article, Interpersonal Communication and Diversity:  Adapting to Others, two-thirds of the immigrants on this planet come to the United States" (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2011, p. 87).  In addition, "According to U.S. Bureau of the Census population projections, by the year 2025 nearly half of all young adults in this country will come from minority groups" (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p. 87).  What are the implications of these trends?  For me, it means that I want to place more emphasis on learning, engaging, honing and modeling cross-cultural communication strategies in both my personal and professional life in the early childhood field.

Subconsciously, I often adjust my communication style to fit the audience I'm addressing.  For example, I have close friendships with three women (a grandmother, mother and daughter) in my life who are vastly different even though they come from the same family.  For example, if I'm talking to Nana who is 86, I automatically begin to speak slower, increase my volume, and refrain from using a lot of slang.  However, communication with her 26 yr. old granddaughter is vastly different and is more of a banter including quick responses, pop cultural references and an acceptance of the use of profanity.  Essentially, although these two women come from the same family, they also come from different cultures, and I have learned to adjust my communication style with each one accordingly.
However, the issue in not how well we automatically relate to others within our own family/friend group, but how well we relate to those outside our comfort zones and achieve effective communication.  This requires more conscious thought and a willingness to employ cross-cultural communication strategies.

     "Competent communicators want to learn and improve.  They are motivated to enhance their
      ability to relate to others and to accept others as they are.  A key to accepting others is to
      develop a positive attitude of tolerance and acceptance of those who are different from you.
      We suggest three strategies to help improve your acceptance and appreciation of others who
      differ from you:  Tolerate ambiguity, become mindful, and avoid negative judgements of others"
      (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011, p. 107).

I have traveled extensively in foreign countries where I did not speak the language or fully understand the culture.  My family and friends were often confused by how I would be able to relate and communicate with others.  However, I was motivated to be open-minded, learn about other cultures, mindful that my own perspective might not apply, willing to be uncomfortable, and accept that things would be different than what I was used.  This is an easy attitude to adopt when you willingly travel to foreign countries with a sense of adventure in your heart.  Yet, the point I want to make is that we must learn to adopt this 'traveler's spirit' within our own neighborhoods and communities.  It is one thing to go to another country and do as they do, but a different mindset to accept the vast differences of others in your own country.  As preschool teachers and early childhood professionals in a rapidly changing demographic across U.S. , we must take more active steps toward successful and effective cross-cultural communication strategies.  For, when we open the door to our classroom, it's likely the world will walk in, and we should be whole-heartedly ready to welcome it.

Reference:
Beebe, S.A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V.  (2011).  Interpersonal communication:  Relating to 
     others (6th ed.).  Boston, MA:  Allyn & Bacon.